1. The Beatles - "Love Me Do"
So simple a first grader could have written it (possibly with a little help from a friend). In fact, it's so simplistic that it's no wonder Capitol and other US labels passed on The Beatles originally if this was one of the tunes offered up by the soon-to-be Rock Legends. This is moon/June/spoon rhyming at its worst. Granted, this was circa 1963, so it's to be expected...sort of. Given the fact that the followup single "Please Please Me" was light years ahead of this tune (most notably at the song's bridge where Lennon rapidly fires off the lyrics), it begs the question how did it make #17 in the UK? The Fabs even had better numbers they could have dished out like "Some Other Guy" whose sheer energy was plenty more exciting than that of "Love Me Do." Maybe we should blame it all on George Martin. Of course, he'd be the one being told what to do not long afterward.
2. Teenage Fanclub - "What You Do To Me"
The Fanclub made no bones about being fans of Big Star. After breaking onto the charts with "The Concept" from their second LP Bandwagonesque, the band hit us with this tasty slab of #1 Record-inspired goodness. Too bad, then, that the lyrics are fucking terrible. "What you do to me / I know, I can't believe, there's somethin' about you, got me down on my knees /What you do to me /What you do to me / What you do to me / What you do to me." Repeat. Laziness at its worst, no matter how convincing the music was.
3. Bob Dylan - "All the Tired Horses"
Wow. Dylan was so lyrically burned out by the time he recorded Self Portrait that even he couldn't be bothered to sing on this, the album's opening track. "All the tired horses in the sun / How am I supposed to get any ridin' done?" Who knows? Just keep repeating it and have some ladies sing it for you, Bob. Sure, picking anything from this album might seem like an easy target, but come on. It does pick up a little later on. Dylan's cover of Simon and Garfunkel's "The Boxer" also on the album makes Paul Simon sound like a hack. Now that's funny.
4. Lou Reed - "Follow the Leader"
After releasing the excellent Coney Island Baby in 1976, Lou Baby switched labels from RCA to Arista and crapped out the Rock and Roll Heart album for Clive Davis. Oh, it's got its selection of really bad tunes ("I Believe in Love" is both unbelievable coming from Lou and also sounds like the rejected theme to some bad TV sitcom), but "Follow the Leader" has to take the cake all around. Lou's band gets all sweaty, cookin' up a boogie that this time sounds like some rejected incidental '70s cop show music while Mr. Reed on Speed stammers such memorable lines as "Follow, follow the leader n-n-now / New York, New York City n-n-n-n-now-now." Great, Lou. How does the rest of it go, dude? Oh yeah, "Oh, if you wanna dance / Hey, work up a sweat / Better, better, better get yourself a little romance / And you better, oooh / Get up a little sweat and a little romance." Jesus, Lou, put down the drugs already, man.
5. Billy Joel - "We Didn't Start the Fire"
Who started it, then? I'm one of Billy Joel's biggest fans, but damned if I can't even bring myself to put this on my iPod, or into a Billy Joel mix or ever feel the need to hear it ever again. Billy's always had his critics, usually about his lyrics, but listing names and events off one after another does not make for inspiring listening. Of course, that didn't stop us fans from shooting it right up the charts, either. Go ahead, lay the blame on me. I never gave much of a damn for the Storm Front album from which this was taken, anyway. The only part of the whole thing that sticks in my head is "Communist Bloc." So I must have blocked out the rest of it successfully. Get it? Haha. Yeah. OK.
