No more Phil Collins (!)

So, Phil Collins' doctor has advised him to quit playing drums lest he loses all functionality in them. Instead of balking, Collins has decided to quit altogether. Good.

I mean, not good that the poor guy's hands are in such a shape, but Phil is one of those dudes who used to make pretty groovy music and then decided to slide into a pool of sap and remain there for the last couple of decades. Elton John is also guilty of this. Perhaps he'll quit soon as well.

But when was Collins at his peak? In Genesis? Probably. Suffice it to say that the guy has always managed to mix crap with cool in his solo stuff. As a kid, I found his cover of "You Can't Hurry Love" charming. Now it just grates me. But at the same time, his weirdo impersonation of Peter Gabriel on "Thru These Walls" from the same album is pretty damn good.

Then again, there was that whole horrid "Two Hearts" and the Buster movie, "I Can't Dance" with Genesis, and his complete humping of the suck with his Grammy (TM!)-winning Tarzan tune. Oh well, I'll still enjoy "It Don't Matter To Me" from time to time.

Was there ever a bigger explosion than "I Saw Her Standing There"?

Light fuse - get away.

As countless teens dropped the needle on Please Please Me in 1963, the end had arrived.

Track one, side one. "I Saw Her Standing There." That was it.

Since then, has there been anything that came close to exploding so perfectly, turning the black and whites into full-on beautiful, vibrant color?

"One, two, three, FAHHHHHHHH!"

It was rock and roll unlike any that had ever been. Not even the previous singles of "Love Me Do" and "Please Please Me" gave any hint that this was it. No looking back.

Lennon's driving rhythm. McCartney's furious and exciting vocals and Chuck Berry-swiped bass line. Ringo's propulsive drumming that was air tight. Harrison's tasty licks that should have taught Dave Davies a thing or three about making a ballistic solo without fucking it up, but didn't. And those harmonies. Pow!

Think of everything that came after that count-off. The changes the world over encountered. It can never be done again. It was bottled lightning and it struck vibrantly for a few more years.

That it still sounds that essential and joyful nearly 50 years after the fact is reason to never forget it.

So don't.

White People Fuck Up Black Music, Vol. 2

Listen to this:



Now listen to how it got fucked:



Thanks for nothing, Crew Cuts.

White People Fuck Up Black Music, Vol. 1

Listen to this:



Now listen to how it got fucked:



Thanks for nothing, Elvis.

Was the Cowboy Junkies' version of "Sweet Jane" the worst thing that ever happened to that song?

The Velvet Underground is my favorite band of all time. Lou Reed's song "Sweet Jane" originally recorded by the Velvets is my favorite song of all time. But I, like a lot of other people who grew up in my generation, first heard that great tune through the Cowboy Junkies' version of it that was a hit for them back in the late '80s.

It was OK enough, but when I finally got into Lou and his version via the version on his Walk on the Wild Side best-of, I was fucking floored. I was expecting that same laid back shit (which I'd later hear as originally intended on the Velvets' 1969 Live LP and was still tons better than the Junkies' take), but instead I got it as it needed to be. Rocked-up, serious, and indestructible.

But it was the Junkies' version that so many who weren't clued in to Lou came to know and accept as gospel. This belief may have been furthered when it was included in the film Natural Born Killers and its accompanying soundtrack. Reed has had nice things to say about the Junkies' take, but he's had lots of "nice" things to say about many bands and their takes on his music, so it's best not to always take what he says as gospel, either.

As for me, I don't think the Cowboy Junkies ultimately did the song any favors. The song is about Jack and Jane, not waitin' for Jimmy. Although, I suppose a super version would mash the two ideas together at last. Maybe someone's covered the song in such a way (I was planning to myself at one point but thought better of it). At any rate, let's take a listen to a couple dandy versions of the tune right now, won't you?

Me and "Louie, Louie"

Well, I suppose everyone's got their own story about how they came to love the rock classic "Louie, Louie" and this one's mine. So sit right back and read along as I read to you in your mind.

This is another one of those "When I Was Six Years Old and My Brother Brought Home an Album" story, except this time it's an 8-track tape and not an LP. Anyway, back in 1978 Animal House was a big smash hit at the movies and my older brother had procured the soundtrack to said feature on aforementioned 8-track tape. This was another one of those listening experiences that made me love rock and roll real early on.

I really liked listening to Sam Cooke's "Twistin' the Night Away" on there. But after a fashion, I began to take notice of "Louie, Louie" as performed by John Belushi. Now, since this was the 8-track version, the track listing didn't follow the LP's. On record, "Louie, Louie" came as track two after the "Faber College Theme," but on tape "Twistin' the Night Away" came second, and "Louie, Louie" was later on into the mix.

Anyway, I had no prior knowledge of the awesomeness of the history of "Louie, Louie" nor do I remember hearing The Kingsmen's definitive version of the song prior. A version that caused the FBI to open a case on the group and tune because so many outraged parents were apparently convinced that Jack Ely's garbled lead vocals were obscene. Fuckin' A, that's super awesome right there, and that happened all back in the '60s, mind you. That's rock and roll, right there.

But I digress. The point is, when I heard Belushi's version, I thought he was signing dirty lyrics, even though he wasn't. For your entertainment, here's what I thought John was singing:

I find a girl, she went for me
He get the shit across the sea
I said "Shit." all alone
I never think I'd make it home

Tasty, huh? But wait! I then thought Belushi was singing:

Three nights and days I sailed the sea
Me think of girl come to me
And on the shit I dream she there
I smelled the roses in her hair

Yeaaahhhh. And remember I was six years old, gang. And that's my "Louie, Louie" origin tale. Let's now dig that John Belushi version. May you hear it the way I originally did way back when.

Will Elvis still be relevant after all the old rockers are dead?

Who's going to carry the King's torch? Will it be you? I'm sure as hell not going to do it. But once the likes of Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger, Little Richard, Pete Townshend, and the rest of that old lot are finally dead and gone, who the hell is going to care about Elvis?

Seriously. The farther away we get from his explosion onto the rock world to his demise as a bloated Vegas also-ran, the quicker we are to forget. He's going to become that afterthought in the same way poor Bill Haley has become much of nothing in the eyes and ears of today's youth.

Yes, I'm bringing it down to the youth. When I was working not so long ago with a bunch of kids in their late teens/early twenties who would often spout things like, "I don't get the Beatles. What's so great about them? Their music isn't good." then I have zero hope for Elvis.

If anything, Elvis will continue to go down as a mocked, parodied, and ridiculed dude. And it's not as if his fans ever truly helped the cause, what with a million and one impersonators and folks who still flock to Graceland to see his tacky shit laid out like it was something truly remarkable. In this day and age of instant celebrity, Elvis is becoming more and more of a footnote. As in, "Oh yeah, that guy who sang 'Blue Suede Shoes' and liked pills." But hasn't that how it's been since the '70s?

So when all the old rock critics and musicians have dried up and blown away, we're going to be left with people like Bono to talk about, which is far worse. I mean, that guy has never done anything interesting. You need pills and a revolver, kids. A child bride and a kooky entourage who won't tell you your own shit stinks because its members like being on the dole. Go out to Vegas and die and leave a legacy that other people can cash in on with shitty little trinkets and other crap. That's rock and roll? Nah, that's just Elvis.