Let's Make 2011 a Dick Clark-Free Zone



I want to know Dick's secrets to looking eternally youthful.

You know what the highlight of my year usually is these days?  Seeing Dick Clark's corpse wheeled out every New Year's Eve on ABC TV.  Ah, now I remember the good old days watching Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve and seeing the likes of Anson Williams co-hosting the "festivities out in California."  But that was a long time ago.  Since Clark had his stroke in 2004, it's basically been the Ryan Seacrest with Special Guest Dick Clark's Flaccid Eve.

I admit to wanting to see the Clark spectacle like wanting to see whatever remains in a four car pile up on the highway.  Obviously, Dicky has the say in whether he's on or not, since the All-Star Flaccid Show is built upon the previous monolith that was Clark's own creation.  But shouldn't someone tell him that it's probably best just to stay home with his wife and call it a day already? 

Do kids these days even know who Dick Clark is/was?



Gah!  What the hell is THAT?!


Being of the fantastic Generation X, I am of that last group of Saturday Morning TV kids whose Saturday started somewhere around 7:30 in the morning and didn't end until Clark's American Bandstand was rolling its credits.  And the dude also rocked The $25,000 Pyramid and even The $100,000 Pyramid on weekday mornings, fer chrissakes.  So I grew up with Dick Clark like the generation before mine.  The cat was awesome, except when he was hosting TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes with Ed McMahon.  I think we can all forget about that one. 

He was eternally young.  Now he's eternally deadish.  But year after year, here he comes to have his spectre thrown on the airwaves (possibly one more time) so he can bring everyone down.  Watch the ghoulfest this year and see if you don't need some kind of stimulant or depressant in your system just to tolerate the depressing mess.  Dick, we cannot go hoppin' anymore if you have to come along.  I'm sorry pal, that's just how it is.

Maybe I don't want to read that book, after all.

So I am begging you, dear friends, to help me make this year a Dick Clark-Free Zone.  Let's band together and make sure all 365 days of the year (instead of the usual 364) do not feature Dick crawling out from his crypt to give Ryan Seacrest a little more money for one night.  You don't see me parading my dead or near death friends and relatives on YouTube or a major TV network.  I expect the same courtesy of ABC.  Why scare the kids, ABC?  Why bring everyone else down?  You know, the ones of us who only want to remember Dick Clark pre-2004.  Seriously.  They drag his ass out there year after year and the best thing anyone can say about it every time is "Well, he's looking pretty good." 

People, that doesn't cut it for a dude who was supposed to look eternally perfect.  If I was Dick Clark's skeleton, I would sue his brain for messing everything up.