Five Albums with Cover Art That Disturbed Me As a Kid

Fans of the vinyl LP often bemoan the fact that they no longer get a nice sleeve with big pretty pictures upon which to gaze when listening to new tunes. I can understand that, but at the same time I remember a few times when I was freaked out by an LP's cover art. Mind you, this was when I was a kid and my little mind was fresh for the taking when it came to rock and roll imagery I could never unsee. So let us celebrate a few of those examples now, which will undoubtedly be more amusing than wiggy.

Paul McCartney and Wings

Red Rose Speedway

I remember distinctly not liking this photo of Paulie with a big rose shoved in his mouth. I think it was also the expression on his face that to me looked like he wasn't enjoying that at all and may indeed be suffocating from it. Nowadays I find his mullet from this period to be more disturbing, with his wife Linda's even more so.

Nazareth

Hair of the Dog

This is exactly the kind of shit that can freak the mind out of a four or five-year-old's skull when they're gazing at it in full LP size.  Sure, from an older person's point of view it's just plain shitty, but this whatever-the-hell-it-is creature is the kinda crap that could jump out of your closet at night and make you listen to "Love Hurts" as it poked at your flesh with its pointy bits.   Not fun at all.

AC/DC

Powerage

I completely recall the first time I ever saw this cover.  I was a wee lad and was popping a squat on the toilet.  Somehow the bathroom door wound up opening and I looked out to my left into my brother's bedroom.  There in the dark, only lit from the natural ambient light floating in was Angus Young screaming violently in pain since his hands had been torn off and replaced with...wires.  Hmmm.  OK, yeah, well, it was the look on his face more than the wires that got to me.  Had I just gone in there and turned the album over to see the back cover photo of the band goofing off...I probably still would have been freaked.

UFO
Obsession

My brother had this one as well (actually he owned all of these except the last one in the list).  I would love just sitting and flipping through his box of albums and looking at the cover photos.  That is, until the one day this one showed up.  This fucking shit scared the fucking shit out of me when it suddenly appeared.  Why did those dudes have weird-ass silver balls covering up their facial bits?  Why was the dude in the back just standing there not caring?  Were they on a UFO?  Were the dudes in the front evil?  Were they going to hurt the dude in the back?  I didn't know and I quickly stopped looking at it.  Again, these days it just looks like shit.

Ozzy Osbourne
Speak of the Devil

I saw this one in a record store when it was new and I didn't like it.  I didn't like it when weird shit was coming out of dude's mouths.  I thought, "This guy must be pure evil."  Of course, this was the early '80s right before the PMRC came along and did indeed try to convince parents that dudes like Ozzy were not good for their kids.  Later on, I realized that he wasn't evil at all and made some groovy tunes on his own and with Black Sabbath.  It's still a crap cover, though.

Lennon's test for echo.

What too much echo will do to you.

That John Lennon sure was a creative guy, wasn't he?  With and without his buddy Paul McCartney, he created some of the most creative and classic rock tunes known in the universe.  With Yoko Ono, he alienated and confounded a lot of folks, but he still remained true to his own artistic vision and did whatever the hell he wanted.

During his Beatles tenure, John found that he really liked the echo effect on his voice.  Apparently (according to whatever tale you read and/or choose to believe) Lennon was self conscious of his own singing voice and felt a little more bolstered with having a bit of echo thrown on top.  It wasn't as obvious in the beginning, but by the time 1965 and 1966 rolled around and the Fabs became more creative in the recording studio, John was all about the echo.

Under George Martin's tasteful guidance, the echo was pretty cool.  Once the Beatles disbanded, however, the effect turned into a different sort of beast.  Lennon was suddenly throwing it all over everything, and producer pals like Phil Spector were only too happy to indulge him.  It's right there on "Mother" on Plastic Ono Band.  It was ladled on in gallons on "Give Peace a Chance" and only held back slightly in a more compressed, gated effect on "Cold Turkey."

"Instant Karma," "Power to the People," "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" and even the old favorite "Imagine" are echo city, baby.  And if that wasn't enough, John also loved to throw in greasy saxophone solos that bogged down the tubes.  Hey, have you ever heard "Beef Jerky" or "Touch Me"?





I think the sound of the tree falling in the latter says it all, really. Hoo boy.

What do you do when your kid likes "Temporary Secretary"?

Look, I'm glad my six-year-old son loves music and has allowed me to influence his taste with all the stuff I dig. We'll always have the iPod on shuffle in the car and his ears will perk up every now and then and he'll get all excited about a song. Sometimes I'll think of a tune I think he may really enjoy and I'll play it for him.

Past hits have included the 12" mix of Thomas Dolby's "Hyperactive!", "I Am the Walrus" by The Beatles, "Fashion Zombies!" by The Aquabats, "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls, "Autobahn" by Kraftwerk, "Guns on the Roof" by The Clash, "Victoria" by The Kinks, and so on and so forth.

Then there's "Temporary Secretary."

For those of you who don't know, this is a Paul McCartney tune originally released on his McCartney II album back in 1980, along with a 12" single release of the song in the UK. It's annoying as hell with its disjointed main synth riff, instantly putting one's ears on edge. I remember hearing it for the first time back in my high school days thinking it was just horrid. But as I got older, I found that same annoyance to be funny as well.

Too bad, then, that I decided to put it on the iPod and have it come up on shuffle the other week in the car with the kiddo in tow. I quickly hit the "next" button, but not before he could shout "What is THAT song? Go back! I wanna hear it!"

I hadn't heard it in a while, so I played it, savoring its shittiness. I thought that would be the end of it and that he'd forget all about it. But that wasn't the case.

Every time we get in the car now, he says, "Play 'Temporary Secretary'!"

I asked him why he liked it so much. He said, "Because it sounds crazy and the guy does funny voices on it!"

I then decided to play him The Beatles' "You Know My Name (Look Up the Number)" since it had the exact same things in it, but was much better to my ears.

I got zero response. What the hell? I first heard that tune when I was five or so and fell in love with The Beatles instantly. But oh, no, let's hear that frigging "Temporary Secretary" again!

I've yet to successfully get him into Trout Mask Replica, but I figure it's only a matter of time.

Uber fans must stop!

Calm down, now.  It's only rock and roll.

No, I'm not putting an umlaut over the U in "Uber."  And I apologize for lack of posts lately, but hey, we're back.  And this time I'd like to discuss the uber fan.  You know the type; the kind of fan that doesn't like to hear anything bad about his favorite band or artist and doesn't believe said entity ever released anything considered below average.

The Internet is filled with said types of people.  The most recent ones I encountered over on the official forums for The Beatles: Rock Band game.  Some guy had posted asking if anyone else was moved to near tears like he was when they heard some Paul McCartney tune called "The End of The End."  I replied back, saying that he was probably the only one indeed, but that I wept openly any time I heard anything of Paulie's post Press to Play released back in 1986.

Yes, Paul, we all remember those good old days.

It was a joke.  I mean, I meant what I said regarding my opinions of Macca's work, but it was said with humor.  You get it, I'm sure.

But no, a couple of fans on there missed in entirely, with one merely replying "go away," to which I fired off a short reply saying, "Why, because it's true?" and then reeling off the McCartney albums of the last decade or two I didn't like.  Then another guy chimes in telling me (as "facts," mind you, his wording) that I shouldn't listen to them if I think they're rubbish, and to not whine about it on the board there.

Wow.  Really?  I asked him if I should take it all the way back to Wings' Wild Life LP for the (in my opinion) earliest proof of post-Beatles Macca sludge, and then added that I found even that to be more entertaining than anything McCartney's released in 20 years.  I left it at that, but I'm always surprised by the uber fans and how their heroes can do no wrong.

At least Lou is still cantankerous even when he's dull.

I love Paul McCartney and a lot of his music, but my ears are not deaf.  Same thing with my man Lou Reed.  Lou has released an incredible amount of crap during his lifetime, and I'm sure at this point in his life even he'd admit to some of it.  But that doesn't mean I like the artist any less.  Hell, I own all those McCartney albums I don't like, because I bought them at the time thinking maybe this would be the one.  But they never are, and that's OK.  Paul McCartney and others in his rocking age bracket really don't need the radio to keep them afloat anymore. 

But my point was he could at least try to write some good songs.  Ditto that for my hero Elvis Costello, another dude who has just gone into Critical Blandness a while back with no signs of changing course.  I get it; this shit happens.  Which is exactly why these same dudes mainly play their back catalog to the adoring crowds because even they know no one wants to really hear their boring new stuff.

So I beg of you, uber fans, please open your ears.  Be reasonable.  There's no need to defend every note of every tune by your fave artist.  Hell, I already covered how lame the Beatles' own "Love Me Do" is here a few posts back.  It's true.  The Fabs had stinkers on all their albums.  It doesn't diminish their importance or talents.  It just proves they were as human as the rest of us.