Reviews from the Spark Plug - Bowie's David Live and Stage

David Bowie

David Live

Rating: ****

Probably the most infamous Bowie cover shot as it catches him in the act of cutting a fart at the end of "Rebel, Rebel."  I wish I had been there.  I've known some people who were and they said the fart was very audible over the P.A.  As if he wanted to be caught, you know. They said after he did it he kind of smiled and did this twirl and continued along like nothing happened.  But thankfully the music historians and photographer for this album have kept the truth alive.  I wonder what a cocaine fart smells like, and if you can get high from it. 

David Bowie

Stage

Rating: ****

Unlike the cover for David Live, the cover shot for Stage doesn't catch Bowie in the act of farting in front of the audience.  However, as every Bowie fan knows, the picture is a picture of him sweet talking a mother and daughter in the audience between songs (this bit has been infamously clipped from all versions of this album). The transcript of that dialogue is as follows:

Bowie: And how are you two tonight?

Mother: We're great!  So great to finally see you!

Bowie (to daughter): How old is she?

Mother: 17!

Bowie: You know, I've recently been cleaning up (crowd alternately boos and cheers), but one thing that hasn't cleaned up is my naughtiness.  Do you two fancy some "Sweet Thing?"  (crowd goes wild)

Mother and daughter unanimously:  YES!

Bowie: See me after the show then!

A yell of "I wanna fuck you, David!" comes from the audience.  David erroneously hears it as "Fuck you!" and shouts back "Eat it long!"  The band then tears into "Station To Station."

Reviews from the Spark Plug - Billy Joel's The Stranger

Billy Joel

The Stranger

Rating: *****

I used to have a sheet set just like the one on Billy's bed there on the front cover.  I didn't have an awesome mask to ponder, however.  Billy looks at the mask and wonders if it was the right thing to have next to him, having already decided that his old boxing gloves were a nice touch on the back wall.  Perhaps the mask is too much.  He gets paranoid.  He remembers that he forgot to put on his shoes.  He wonders why he went to bed in his suit. The mask wants a kiss.

Reviews from the Spark Plug - The Velvet Underground's Another View

The Velvet Underground

Another View

Rating: *** 1/2

Once again Moe Tucker gets the shaft and is barely visible behind the V here.  Livin' down in Georgia workin' at Wal-Mart and peepin' out behind the V.  Do you think people who might stumble across a VU album at Wal-Mart check out through Moe's line and make the connection?  Standing there with the CD and a cartload of NASCAR shit, live bait, some cookies from the bakery and assorted shirts that say such things as "Hottie," "Sexy Grandma," and "Hugs Are Best From Best Friends."  That's true utopia, my friends.

Reviews from the Spark Plug - Lou Reed's Mistrial

 Lou Reed

Mistrial

Rating: **

Lou originally wanted to call this one Lou Shits A Really Good One, but RCA wouldn't hear of it, especially after they let Lou jack off on the previous album cover.  So Reed bitched up and down and called it Mistrial instead.  No one bought it, even though Lou was clearly humping a drum machine on the tracks and trying to get into the dance clubs.  No one wants to dance to Lou Reed.

Reviews from the Spark Plug - Steely Dan's Can't Buy a Thrill

Steely Dan

Can't Buy a Thrill

Rating: ***1/2

 

You know what my favorite things are?  Bananas, hookers, lips, and electric sperm.  Guess how overjoyed I was when I first saw this album, then!  All of my favorite things right there on the cover!  I like the band's logo on his one, too.  It's almost like they were to be the Coke brand of rock.  I've noticed that girls who wear glasses and read boring shit like Tom Robbins books often like to be felt up while listening to "Midnite Cruiser" from this album.  So I guess they can't be all that bad, right?

Reviews from the Spark Plug - Jandek's Nine-Thirty

Jandek 

Nine-Thirty

Rating: *****

Jandek waits for the ice cream man.  What will Jandek get today?  Perhaps a Sno-Cone. Maybe a plan vanilla on a cake cone.  He might get risky and try a fudge bar.  He's thinking about it.  You can see the thoughts roll by in the tension on his face.  Undoubtedly, though, he will get what he always gets.  A cup of water and a napkin.

Reviews from the Spark Plug - Bowie's Pin Ups

David Bowie

Pin Ups

Rating: ***

Some friends of mine came over one night.  One brought along this red-haired girl who had some LSD in her compact.  She took a hit while we were all sitting around listening to Sesame Street Fever and playing canasta.  About a half an hour later she starts moaning and shit and says she's going to the bathroom.  Next thing you know she's screaming at us to all come and help her.

So we get into the bathroom thinking she has hurt herself or something.  Nope, she's just staring in the mirror pulling her hair back from her brow and pointing, yelling "Oh my god I'm Bowie on the Pin Ups cover!  Look at that!  Oh my god, I'm Bowie! What am I doing here?  I need to get back to London!"

So she proceeds to step back out into the living room and sings all of "Changes" in a slow croon, then runs outside to "make her flight."  She promptly collapses on the ground.  Before we can get to her to pick her up, the neighbor's dog walks by and pisses on her head. Classic.

Reviews from the Spark Plug

Scatological. Insane. Clearly stupid. Just what you want in a music review. "Reviews from the Spark Plug" is a new feature here that will be highlighting absolutely craptastic album reviews with zero merit that I wrote over at the rateyourmusic website. I've been over at that site since shortly after its debut. When I started, I wrote legit reviews that informed. After a while, though, the rot set in and I left along with my reviews.

When I returned, I decided to write the anti-review. The reviews were sometimes satirical or parodies of other reviews on the site, but mainly they were just over the top, childish and aimed at the lowest common denominator. But whatever, I love them and now I'm passing on the ridiculousness to you. If anything, these reviews may just prove that music critics really may not be that necessary if at all. We all know the story of The Beatles and Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, et al, but you don't know my version of it. Until now.